By Sean Gardner
I’ve been looking back at some of my older posts and I’ve noticed that I haven’t really written a review with a lot of negatives. I haven’t given any “bad” reviews yet, and I think I know why. I don’t have the time or the money to go to every movie. Therefore, I do not like to waste my free time or money on garbage movies. I only go to see movies that I think will be good. Every trip to the movies has to be worth it. With that being said, I recently went through the pain staking process of looking through my watch list on IMDb, and pick out movies from my past that just make me want to barf. So here they are:
This movie made me angry. When I go see a Godzilla movie, I want to actually see Godzilla!! There’s part where Godzilla and the bug thing are about to fight and it cuts away to a newscast right as it’s about to go down. Unforgivable. I went into this movie wanting to see a big lizard taking out some skyscrapers and maybe fighting another big lizard or space bug. This film had the same problem as all of the Transformers sequels: it spent too much time on pointless human characters. The sequel promises a Godzilla vs. King Kong which excites me, but as for this film, it stinks.
When I thought about making this list, Rocky V was one of the first movies that came to mind. I actively try to convince people that this movie doesn’t exist. When I watch the Rocky franchise, I always skip V. It is unnecessary. It is stupid. The acting is about as good as a second rate soap opera from Lichtenstein. The choice to bring Burgess Meredith back was a mistake. The choice to have Stallone’s son play Rocky’s son was a mistake. The street fight at the end was a mistake. There are no redeeming qualities to this film. None. It should not exist. In my mind, it doesn’t.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Aliens? I mean, ALIENS?!?! And I thought surviving a nuke blast inside a led lined fridge was ridiculous. Don’t even get me started on Shia LeBouf chasing those cars through the jungle, swinging on vines monkey style. I’m one of the few guys out there that actually likes Shia LeBouf but that was just too over the top. Harrison Ford is doing his best Harrison Ford impression through the whole film. There are just too many things wrong with this fart box of a movie for it to ever deserve the light of day.
Iron Man 3
This film was originally on this list solely because they butchered one of Iron Man’s coolest villains: The Mandarin. I mean, seriously, they way they used the character made him a useless waste of time. But after some thought I also hated the fact that we only get to see Iron Man as Iron Man for like 3/4 of a minute. Guy Pierce is a loser (to put it kindly) in this film. And then at the end, Stark decides to not be Iron Man anymore and has the shrapnel and arch reactor removed from his chest. Yet at the beginning of Ultron there he is as Iron Man like nothing happened. Therefore, Iron Man 3 is pointless and ultimately forgettable.
Because Batman and Robin would’ve been too easy, I went with Batman Forever. Also, Batman and Robin is in the unique realm of films that are so bad they’re fun to watch. Batman Forever however is just unwatchable. Coming off of the super dark and psychologically disturbing Batman Returns, Forever takes Batman on a whole new track that kind of began the downfall of the superhero genre. Jim Carey? Wasted. Tommy Lee Jones? Wasted. Val Kilmer as Batman? Nice try. I tried to rewatch this recently. I got about 32 minutes in and I was so bored out of my skull I had to turn it off.
So there you have it. This has been an arduous and somewhat unpleasant experience. But we must at least acknowledge the bad so we can appreciate the good. Thanks for reading!